Kids these days!

My brother and I have been playing a race car game on the Xbox. He bought the game used for $3 and we are really getting good use of it. This game doesn’t have anybody beating each other up or doing anything disturbing on it. It is just racing car against car through streets and crazy corners. I enjoy playing the game but I normally end up getting dents in my thumb from holding the thumb stick to hard and also I tense my muscles in my hands, arms and legs. I have to say I am pretty terrible playing this game. In fact, I come in dead last most of the time but it doesn’t matter. I still like to play. The only bad thing, I think, is that I end up cussing like a sailor. We always play when Maggie goes to bed but I still don’t like cussing when we play this game.

This morning, my brother comes and tells me that my 5 year old niece is the one who I will need to aspire to beat. She did a fast lap in 33 seconds. WHAT? 33 seconds? It takes me several MINUTES to do the same darn thing! This must mean she didn’t crash into any other cars and/or guard rails! I couldn’t believe it!!

NEW WORDS FOR 2007

How many can you RELATE TOO?

Essential additions for the workplace and beyond:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' butt rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichole show or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the ADMINISPHERE are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm, Or any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust
(this often leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

And lest we forget:
ANAL GLAUCOMA: Used as an excuse for not showing up for work. Translation "I just couldn't see my ass coming in to work today

Auntie Claus

Maggie picked this book from her school library. She told me that she gotten my book. I was confused until she pulled it from her backpack! She was so cute showing it to me. She and I are going to read the book tomorrow.

It was a busy morning for me yesterday. I received the information I am about to tell you in about 2 minutes, which was way less time than it took me to type it! This was all given to me unsolicited!

My company had one of our factory reps come in for training and to call on a few customers. This gentleman brought a lady friend in with him to the appointment. This was totally unprofessional. Would you take your boyfriend or girlfriends knowing you were going to make sales calls? Anyway, this lady friend ended up sitting in my office during the sales call with boss 1. She stated she was going to go and sleep in her boyfriend’s car while they were working however boss 1 and 2 said for her to stay in where it was warm. So, boss 2 sat her in my office so that she could play on the internet. (Thanks!)

My first gripe was I wanted to hand her a tissue. She kept sniffing and sniffing. This is one reason why it is very important for me to have my own office. It has been way too many years for me to share an office with someone, especially someone who isn't as well educated in the world of social graces as I am. HA! Anyway, she told me in the first minute she sat down that her "husband" (she was here with a man NOT her husband)....anyway, her husband has cut her off and not giving her any money. She said she has 3 kids and she left husband and her 3 kids at 3 a.m. one morning because he was beating on her. (Why would you leave your kids behind then?) Husband won’t give her the children now, and he is now claiming abandonment. Did I tell you that she said he had better watch himself because she has a tape of him and her neighbor? She actually graphically told me what was on the tape. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe she told me that. She then said both her husband and this woman want this tape. So I said, "Well maybe you could tell the neighbor if she comes over to your side and helps you out that you would hand over the tape." She then said that the neighbor was a crack head so she wouldn't be of any help to her. OMG! This was all before she sat down in her chair.I offered her a desk office chair instead of a hardback chair (with no wheels) and she proceed to tell me that she hurt her back a few years ago and the doctor messed her up and she has been on morphine for at least 6 months she was stoned and couldn't do ANYTHING. This was one of the reasons why she is now getting a divorce because the doctor gave her morphine drugs. She also said she started having tremors and when she went back into the back surgeon's office, he looked at her and walked away and wouldn't see her. It sounds to me like he was a smart doctor and wanted nothing more to do with her. She said she was suing him too for 5 million dollars. OMG! Now she is seeing a doctor like the television show Doogie Howser MD. She said he went to collage when he was like 15 years old.... So she wrote emails to her attorney, while her male friend and boss 1 went out on a sales call.

Doesn't she sound like a train wreck?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME THEIR LIFE STORY...SOMEONE I JUST MEET 5 MINUTES PRIOR????


UPDATE: Apparently, according to boss 2, gentleman from factory was at one of our customers and told the people he was meeting with about his girlfriends soon to be ex-husband story. Boss 1 was Mortified!

What a difference 50 years makes.

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

What a difference 50 years makes.

Thanks mom for sending this one to me.

You have new Picture Mail!

iBlinds - New generation iPod accessory

Just think if this person put all his energy into something positive for mankind. Although, this did put a smile on my face so maybe this was it's positive purpose....

Snow

Maggie said "Man that was fun, but my feet are sure cold!"

Missy May May

In the middle of Archivers a tiny dancer is born! I sure wish the screen was a better quality but You Tube makes the screen very large.

40 things you would like to say outloud at work or just about anywhere...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ca ca.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny butt opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f'reaking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left
27. Sarcasm -- just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality

Cervical Traction

My cervical traction unit came in yesterday. I started the program last evening. I am supposed to do the stretching twice daily. I just don’t know if I will be able to do that. It means I have to get up early. I don’t like getting up early. I don’t like having to get up at 6:25 am now and if I do this every morning, it would mean I would have to get up at 6 a.m. I just don’t think I can do it. Between my brother and my niece, I don’t know if this will help me or not because they both make me laugh to the point of no return. Maggie has to be right there with me and my brother is talking to me telling me I am not doing exactly what the instruction video showed to do. Never mind that my doctor gave me different directions but at any rate, he makes me laugh out loud. Maggie thinks she has to snuggle on top of me when I am lying on the floor doing the stretching. Last night my brother was going off about me not following the directions and for Maggie to get in and help me when Maggie stated, “I only got to watch half of the video” and my brother yells back that it was obviously more than what I had watched. So Maggie came a running! Those two are to much sometimes! I hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

UPDATE: Cervical traction (neck) NOT cervix! LOL!!

Wake me up when you are done talking.

This is what I feel like when Boss 2 talks to me.

Watching Football

I normally don't watch football. I don't keep up with who is in what championship game or payoffs. I used to watch more when I lived at home but since I have been moved away from home I just don't get into it. This evening I invited myself over to the Byers home to watch the playoffs. I thought it would be interesting, and it was. I stayed until about 8. The game started at 6:30. It seems only about 15 minutes of the game was actually played in the hour and a half I watched. There was commerical after commerical. I couldn't believe it. Then when the game was being played I found myself becoming anxious. I remember now why I don't watch football. I get keyed up and nervous. So I didn't finish watching the game at the Byers. I decided to leave so that I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown in front of their children. I did turn the radio on to listen to the game in my 7 minute drive home. Then came upstairs and I am keeping track of who is winning by going to a local news website. My nerves just can't take the minute by minute plays. I hope they win. I sure hope they do because there will be much disapointment by the entire community and it would be nice to finally win but I can't take the pressure of the stress of it all blow by blow.

You have new Picture Mail!

More Christmas spirit than necessary.

You have new Picture Mail!

Tree

This house still has tree up and lights.

You have new Picture Mail!

Feeling Down

I am feeling really down today. I guess part may be the weather. I know much of it has to do with my job. I am not really happy where I am working. Things are not the same as they were, not that anything stays the same, it is just working with 2 bosses is really difficult and I am at my wits end. One wants me to do things one way, the other wants something totally different. I am just so tired and frustrated. I know I shouldn't complain....

Argh!